Smiling and the beginning of the Robot Uprising

You should smile unless you’re in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada, or Virginia.

Just read in USA Today (don’t ask me why I was reading USA Today) that the 4 states listed above have begun disallowing smiles in DMV photos. Apparently they use facial recognition software to compare photos to photos on other licenses and smiles kind of screw up the process.

We all know from the movies that robots have problems can’t handle emotion. So now the robots are evening the playing field and asking humans to eliminate emotions.  It’s  a slippery slope I tell you.

Next thing you know – once more without emotion, the humans are dead, dead, dead.

How to guarantee your child has no future

Thanks to Grace for bringing me out of my shell.

If there is ever any proof that morons are in fact allowed to breed, there can be no more proof than the story of the Campbells from Lehigh Valley, PA.  They’re in a disagreement with ShopRite because the supermarket refused to put their son’s name Adolf Hitler Campbell on a birthday cake.   Yep, that’s right – they named their son after the worst mass murderer of the last century.  Could there be any greater commentary about their hopes and prayers for their children – might as well skip the bottle of milk and start serving them forties of Budweiser instead and teaching him how to make a shiv.  Of course their daughter JoyceLynn Aryan Natian (you can’t make this shit up) will fare no better.  A stripper pole in her bedroom is the training she’ll need for her bright future.

I actually have no problem with this. Other parents out there are probably wishing it was this easy to tell what kids you want you children to avoid.  It’s like putting a bright orange radioactive sticker on your kid’s forehead.

Apparently they’re upset that ShopRite refused their request (as ShopRite had done in years past – one year they requested a swastika on the cake).  Yes you have a right to be a moron – but it goes both ways. ShopRite has every right to say “we don’t want you as a customer”.  I can’t imagine ShopRite asking an employee to even put that on a cake.  I can’t imagine these people even eating that cake.  Anyway, if you’re going to name your child Adolph Hitler, or Attila the Hun, or Idi Amin – you probably should expect some  repercussions. You also should probably expect your kids to be pissed at you.

One thing this story did do for me, is confirm my distaste for Walmart.  I thought I needed no more reason than the fact that their new logo is a sphincter, but they’ve given me more reason. Yes – Walmart agreed to put the name on the Campbell’s birthday cake – which as I said before, is their right.  Just as it’s my right to never shop there ever again.

Trapped in the bathroom

I can only wait for R. Kelly to get a hold of this story. I challenge someone to comment with a crazier story than this.

A 35 year-old Wichita, Kansas woman had to pried off of her toilet after spending two years in the bathroom. Here’s the AP story:

ROXANA HEGEMAN

The Associated Press

WICHITA, Kan. – A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time he called police had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.

“She is an adult; she made her own decision,” said her boyfriend, Kory McFarren. “I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it.”

The case drew nationwide attention after Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the Ness City woman’s skin had grown around the seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom.

“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”

McFarren, 36, said he can’t be certain how long Pam Babcock stayed in the bathroom because “time just went by so quick I can’t pinpoint how long.” He said beatings she received in her childhood caused her phobia.

“It just kind of happened one day; she went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay , like it was a safe place for her,” McFarren said.

But McFarren said she moved around in the bathroom during that time, bathed and changed into the clothes he brought her. He brought food and water to her. They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship , except it all happened in the bathroom.

McFarren said he finally called police Feb. 27 after he became worried because Babcock was acting groggy , like she didn’t know what was going on, except she was awake.

What emergency responders found when they went into bathroom has left residents of this small western Kansas town buzzing, and law enforcement officials incredulous.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to mid-thigh. She was “somewhat disoriented,” and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”

She initially refused emergency medical services, but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

“She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave,” he said.

Whipple said the county attorney will determine whether any charges should be filed against McFarren.

McFarren, who works at an antique store, said he has been taking care of Babcock for the 16 years they have lived together. He insisted that he tried to coax her out of the bathroom every day.

“And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,’” Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”

She was reported in fair condition Wednesday at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Babcock has an infection in her legs that has damaged her nerves, and there is a possibility she may wind up in a wheelchair, McFarren said.

James Ellis, a neighbor, said he had known the woman since she was a child, but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

“I don’t think anybody can make any sense out of it,” Ellis said.

Babcock had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up, he said.

“It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said. “What surprises me is somebody wasn’t called in a bit earlier.”

They had to pry the seat off of her ass!

I love that they otherwise had a normal relationship. Seriously – your girlfriend has been locked in the closet for 2 years, seems like nothing else matters after that. She could be Suzy fucking Homemaker and all that matter is that you have to ask her to scootch over to take a leak.

I also have to note that these two weren’t married. What the hell? I’m sure this guy was thinking – “hell, it’s pretty quiet this way.”

Hitman killed by nurse?

So a man breaks into a woman’s home in what was thought to be an attempted burglary.   He attacks her with a claw hammer but she fights him off and kills him.

Turns out that her estranged husband hired this “hitman” to kill her.   I have to think that this man is a disgrace to hitmen everywhere.   Claw hammer?   What – did he forget to bring his gun and have to improvise?   Strangled by the woman with her bare hands.   Hitmen aren’t what they used to be – good thing.

Online dating 101

I think that we’ve all been there with someone, but Darren Sherman kind of takes the cake. This guy goes on a date with Joanne and when she doesn’t return his emails, threatens to sue and call her lawyer in order to force her to pay half their dinner bill. Nice. The phone calls are a must listen, but also check out the articles I’ve linked to below

The Perils Of Using JDate

Article Links

How not to act on J-date – PR. Differently

Metro UK article

(note: Kristen and I met through the Onions personals, and two of my best friends also met online and are currently married, so don’t take this as an indictment of online dating)