Over at Church of the Big Sky, Merujo wrote a rather funny article about some boob slippage she came across at the local CVS. I started to respond to say that all boob slippages are welcome events – but then rethought that postition. It reminded me of an article my friend Ryan wrote some time ago. Due to an unfortunate work incident, he’s no longer blogging, but here’s that post for posterity sake.
(Updated with new Cleavages at the bottom)
Over the course of a few conversations lately, it’s come to my attention that women think they can show cleavage and men won’t look. Foolish, foolish ladies.
It’s not that we want to look at your cleavage. It’s that we really, really want to look at your cleavage. We know we shouldn’t, but we can’t help it, it’s like telling a woman to not look at shoes, chocolate cake, or her own ass in the mirror.
It doesn’t even matter if it’s good cleavage. There is also train wreck cleavage that you feel gross about, but curiosity gets the better of you. Plus, it gives you something to compare to when you see good cleavage.
Now, I’m a happily married man (to a woman with excellent cleavage) but that doesn’t change the fact that I love other cleavage like any straight man does. Cleavage = Beauty. I’d be just as distraught if I was told I’d never again be able to look at a sunset, a dew-covered par 3, or an untouched field of snow. Ok, I’d be less distraught, but distraught nonetheless.
Being that I’m a bit of a cleavage expert, and a bit of a rip off, I’m going to describe all the different cleavages in the same style as those fart books at Spencers Gifts. Now, if I just had a good illustrator I might be able to make some money.
Basic Cleavage: Run of the mill, top of the breast with quick glances aloud when attention is diverted from the breast possessor.
Side Cleavage: Not cleavage from the top, but instead coming from the side through a button down shirt. The only chance our poor A and B cup girls get to show what their mamas didn’t give them.
Extended Cleavage: Same as basic, but with actual bra viewage. Bonus points for nice bras.
Double Take Cleavage: Same as Extended, but you could have sworn you saw some areola.
Sunny Day Cleavage: Any spotting where you have the good fortune of wearing sunglasses for extended viewing.
â€œOver Thereâ€ Cleavage: When the girl is making too much eye contact to sneak a peek so you point out something to divert their attention while you take a look.
Vomit Cleavage: Any cleavage from a family member. Like I said, it’s impossible for men to not look, so sometimes we see things that can’t be unseen.
Train Wreck Cleavage: You’d like to not look, this girl isn’t remotely attractive, but what can you do, you are powerless.
Psychic Cleavage: When you are looking at cleavage and trying to guess if the girl is old enough to be looked upon.
â€œOops I dropped my Bookâ€ Cleavage: Any time cleavage is seen when a girl bends over to pick something up. With today’s style, this creates the tough split second decision of checking out the cleavage, or checking out the underwear. Ass men and tit men separate themselves along known lines here.
Crossed-Eyed Cleavage: When your significant other is nearby and you have to keep one eye on them to make sure they aren’t watching while you take your look.
Busted Cleavage: You go in for a quick look, but when you look back to the head, the eyes are staring at you and glaring at you.
Nursing Cleavage: You shouldn’t look, you know you won’t like what you see, but any time you see a mother nursing an infant, you have to look. Even if things are perfectly covered up, try having a conversation with a man while you are nursing mothersâ€¦.you might as well be speaking Swahili.
Holy Grail Cleavage: You go for a simple cleavage peek and low and behold, no bra! Your day, and possibly week has just been made.
Now ladies, don’t go reading this and put away the cleavage and start wearing turtle necks all day. Flaunt it, work it, show some more. There’s no harm in it, and nothing you wouldn’t show to tons of strangers on the beach. Your breasts are cooped up in a bra all day, they ache when you are breast feeding, they let everyone know when you are cold, and hurt when you go running. But they can make a guys’ day, and make them more likely to talk to you in the future and offer their help moving large heavy objects. Besides, cleavage has no sharp corners, so it can’t possible hurt anyone.
ADDITIONAL CLEAVAGES (since this is proving a popular topic with the fellas and they are giving suggestions.)
Where did those come from Cleavage: When a girl you know well spends most of her life wearing tight bras and covering up under thick sweaters suddenly shows up sporting some cleavage.
Victoria’s Cleavage: An A cup girl buys the best push up bra money can buy and with padding and every bit of skin from her belly button up, creates the illusion of cleavage.
Indecision Cleavage: When the girl is so smoking hot, you don’t know where to look. True breast men always know where to look.
Bevy Cleavage: When there is a whole pack of cleavage from 4 or more girls and you can’t decide which cleavage to look at.
Whiplash Cleavage: When you are walking and notice the cleavage to late and give yourself whiplash trying to check it out before she passes.
Manute Bol Cleavage: When you are either much taller than a girl, or she is sitting, and you get the benefit of a higher prospective with increased cleavage.